


The Journal

by charoula



Series: My name is Pride [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 17:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charoula/pseuds/charoula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fendes Lavellan, keeps a journal for whatever happens every day in the Inquisition, but these excerpts start right before the final battle with Corypheous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Entries 1-5

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that although I kept the grammar as correct as my English knowledge allows, Fendes isn’t an author. She jumps from past tense to present and vice versa, describing with simple words how she feels.  
> Also, each entry represents one day in the calendar, unless mentioned otherwise.

**Entry 1**

I’m devastated. I cried myself to sleep last night. Solas, my dear Solas, broke up with me. Why did he have to do it now? Now, we are near the end. I have lots of support around me, but now I feel all alone. I tried to ask him why, but he didn’t reply. He didn’t give me a straight answer. He never did anyway. I gave him my heart, my whole being and he ripped into pieces. I guess I should go into more details.

When we got back from the temple of Mythal, I went and found him. We discussed the events a bit and then he took me for a stroll. He told me he wanted to give me a gift. He spoke of my vallaslin and it’s meaning, he spoke of the terrible things it symbolized. He offered to get rid of it for me, and I accepted. It was so strange, I felt the same, yet so different without it. But as long as I was with him, I felt safe.

Then that’s when it went downhill. We kissed. But he changed his mind. He told me he was sorry to distract me and that it won’t happen again. That hurt so much. I told him I loved him, but that didn’t change his mind. He walked away. Just like that.

It’s really hard to hold back my tears right now. I can’t write anymore. My vision is blurry.  
  
 **Entry 2**

Like I said, I tried to talk to him. He just told me to use my pain to defeat Corypheus. Did he set me up just to get me angry? I can’t tell. I’m sure anger will come, but for now I’m feeling terrible. I just want to rip my heart out, I can’t just allow it to love him anymore. I haven’t left my quarters since it happened. I don’t have my vallaslin anymore, I feel naked. It’s like he hid my clothes and let me walk back to the castle without them. Everyone is getting worried with me. Josie knocks on my door a few times a day trying to get me out, but I don’t want to, I can’t. I send her away, I’m hurting her, I’m hurting my reputation, the Inquisition, but I just can’t do it. I’m dead inside.  
  
 **Entry 3**

I left my quarters today, I still feel and look terrible. I haven’t slept properly since it happened. It was a surprise to see him in the great hall. They had all formed a circle, discussing about me, probably, and I interrupted. I glared at them for talking behind my back and made my way to the exit of the palace. He, HE grabbed my arm and trying to stop me, talking to me, I don’t know, I’m not sure, about the Inquisition I think. I yelled a loud “Fuck you!” in front of all the nobles, freed my arm and left. I ran to the stables, took my horse despite master bennet’s objections and left Skyhold. I needed to get away.  
  
 **Entry 4**

I have no supplies with me. No tent, no food, nothing. I found a small stream for me and the horse to drink, but I can’t stay here. I barely survived the cold night. There are only two options. I leave the mountains or return as if nothing happened and help the Inquisition. I guess that would be the right thing to do. I must go back for the sake of the Inquisition.

“Ma vhenan…” These words sound like a forgotten echo now. Was I his heart? Did he really love me? “Ar lath ma…” Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Why did I let myself believe you? You are an apostate, you would have abandoned either me or the Inquisition in the end. And you chose to abandon me. I admit, I didn’t see it coming. You seemed to care about me. Would you care if I died trying to kill Corypheous?  
  
 **Entry 5**

I made it back to Skyhold. Why did you choose to bring us here? What are you gaining out of this?

I walked straight up to him and asked him whether he would care if I died. “Of course I would, vhenan.” He looked away, probably embarrassed. But you know old habits die hard. He said it wasn’t the case, and that he still loved me but I just can’t see that. If only he would have let me be happy until this was over. His support would mean so much. He said he still supports me. But I don’t feel it. That’s not how you support someone you still love. Not by breaking their hearts.

Banal abelas, banal vhenan. He is a heartless monster.


	2. Entries 5-11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of the excerpts from Fendes's journal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings apply. Lots of spoilers and angst.

**Entry 6**

It doesn't matter. It's been about a week and it still hurts really bad every time I come across him, but I have to get the Inquisition moving again. I can hear people whispering behind my back, about me and Solas, about my disappearance, about my vallaslin, and I try not to care. I sat on the battlements for the first time wanting company, but not knowing who to ask. I'm glad that the “company” found me first. Dorian. He is a great person. He is so chatty and he makes me feel better. I love all my friends, but Dorian is special. His arrogance doesn't bother me, I find it pretty funny. He made me laugh, and it made my heart feel so much lighter while he hung out. Eventually he had to go back to his business. I was pleasantly surprised to hear myself tell him that we should do it again.

**Entry 7**

I've gone back to business almost like normal. I avoid visiting the areas where Solas spends his time, and he seems to be avoiding the areas I use, which is more or less the whole castle. I had to visit the library a couple of times and I deliberately avoided the stairs in the in the rotunda. I used the other set of stairs next to the great hall. I spoke to Leliana and as I walked downstairs I noticed Dorian leaning on the railing watching Solas downstairs. I get next to Dorian unnoticed and I lean against the railing in the opposite direction, facing the bookshelves. We talked for a bit but I couldn't stay long, I needed to find a book and return it to Josephine. Apparently some noble was throwing a tantrum because they couldn't find it. Dorian reported that Solas isn't being his usual self, but I pretend not to care. But as I leave the library, I thank him. For everything.

**Entry 8**

I thought I was feeling better, until I saw him in my dreams. It was none of his magic. It was only wishful thinking. We were back to the the place where he broke up with me, but everything had gone differently. He told me he loved me, and that after we beat Corypheous we would run away together. He said he has no place in the Inquisition, he is an apostate elf, and I have no home anymore, my clan would never accept me with out my marking. He said... So many things that I'd like to hear, but I will never do.

**Entry 9**

I finally got the courage to apologize to Josephine for being angry every time she tried to be nice with me. Seems like she did some reading on the markings, so she would know exactly what to say to me. But the loss is still great. I always knew that my clan would accept me back when all of this finished. They are they ones who sent me mess with the conclaive anyway. If something went badly, I had somewhere to go. When Solas removed it, I realized I wouldn't be able to return to the clan, but I would have him. I still had family. But he is gone too, and now I'm alone.

**Entry 10**

The fact that I have no one else has been messing with my head since yesterday. I admit, I fucked up big time.

I barged into the rotunda, grabbed Solas from the collar, and spilled my guts out. I told him that he took my home away from me, that I don't belong anywhere, that I might as well as die in the hands of Corypheous. People from the library upstairs heard my voice and gathered around the railings and watched my suffering. Once more it was Dorian who stopped me, with Leliana arriving downstairs a few moments later.

Solas didn't even make a sound...

Dorian grabbed me by the shoulders and walked me to the balcony on the back side of the rotunda. I just sat down on the hard stones and cried till the sun set and it got too cold to stay outside. Dorian didn't leave my side.

**Entry 11**

My mind feels a bit clearer today, unexpectedly. I summoned the war council and gave all the advisors some minor mission, trying to increase a bit our influence now, before it's too late. I'm glad I have them. Who knows how many mistakes I would have made if they weren't there for me at every council, especially today.

The only downside is that everyone knows now. The treat me like I'm grenade that needs careful handling or it will explode at any given moment. To be honest, it's not far from the truth. Maybe I should have left the Inquisition last week and never returned. I don't know why I returned. I guess I still had the willpower to help people, but not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe I'll be adding two more journal chapters.


	3. Entries 12-16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last set of entries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This set of entries are not as canon as the previous ones. I deal a bit with the fact that no one questions anything in the Inquisition and they just assume Solas is a saint.

**Entry 12** , three days after 11

I forgot to take my journal with me! How silly! We had some issues in Emerald Graves and we had to take action. It was a nice change. Killing demons made me feel powerful again. Solas offered to join the team, as he always did, but I straight-up declined. He always stayed with the group, even when Dorian or Sera were with us, that he clearly didn't like. But that was it. It's not the same anymore. It's not a matter of two members liking each other. It's between me, the leader of the Inquisition, and a member. He is not irreplaceable.

But the trip did get me thinking of him again. I remembered that one time that we sneaked from our tents. He took me... stargazing. We had found a nice patch of grass, lay down and well, looked up. He pulled me close and talked to me, told me stories about every constellation. I didn't want that night to end. Now I regret even thinking about it. I regret allowing it happen.

I took Cole with us instead of Solas. It was a terrible mistake. Cole, being more like a spirit now, could sense my pain from miles away. Gave me away to Cassandra. I shrugged it off, but they all knew Cole's words were real.

**Entry 13**

I was meant to write about the troubles at Emerald Graves, but I completely forgot yesterday! Damn that Solas!

But to be honest, it wasn't as much of a big deal for the Inquisition. Fairbanks's people were surrounded once more by a new group of bandits and they needed help to clear a path in order to get supplies delivered. Cole was a pain when we were not fighting, but he proved pretty useful in the heat of battle. He is quite skilled with his daggers. It surprised me. It was an easy job and we spend more time traveling back and forth rather than working.

I'm glad I skipped on Solas. I don't know how I would feel fighting side by side with him, having to protect each other. It just makes me cringe.

**Entry 14**

I've been over-thinking again. With the final battle right around the corner now, everyone is preparing, but my only obligations are to sit at the desk and sign letters, orders, expenses. You name it. A boring job, since I don't even have to check anything, I trust Josephine with my life. It gives me time to lock everything out and think. Some things don't add up. I will have to research about it.

What doesn't add up you say? Solas. There are many things that don't fit together, I will try to get more information as soon as I can escape Josephine's papers. When we first met, I asked him why he decided to help us. He told me it was the Breach, but the Breach was closed long ago and he is sticking around. Why is he the only apostate that joined the Inquisition? How did an ancient elf survive? The only ones that I know are the ones at the temple of Mythal. But even they spent a lot of their time in slumber. Did he recently wake up as well? Were the trips to the Fade only his dreams when in periods of slumber? But he took me to the Fade once. Was that random magic? How can he know a spell to remove the vallaslin?

There are so many questions that plague my mind. I need some answers.

** Entry 15 **

Today, I took Vivienne and Dorian somewhere more private that we could talk about the questions that have been bugging me. I told them what he said about the orb, that it is of elven origins, and we decided that it would be the best place to start. Dorian suggested we add Morrigan to the conversation and I reluctantly agreed. Morrigan is fine, but I'm not sure if she will keep her mouth shut, that's all. Anyway, she said that the well of sorrows spoke to her about an ancient book, and she knows exactly where to find it. She left in secrecy, alone, to retrieve it.

**Entry 16** , 1 week later

Morrigan returned last night and I've been studying the book without a rest since then. I'm terrified and angry. The orb is called the Orb of Destruction. There is an Orb for every Elven Pantheon deity. Each one is unique, it has it's own powers and distinct design. The one Corypheous has, belongs to the Dread Wolf. But that doesn't make much sense. 

How did Corypheous get it? Corypheous is not an elf, therefore unrelated with the Elven deities. I spoke to Morrigan, I'm sure she knows. She just doesn't want to tell me. She says that the voices of the well told her that I must not learn anything more. Vivienne and Dorian can only make assumptions. They assume that Fen'Harel is somewhere out there. He sealed the other gods away and he is free. Maybe he just gave away the orb for fun. He is the trickster after all.

The nightmare demon in the Fade called Solas a trickster...

But I don't even have the time to confront him anymore. We are leaving to find Corypheous. Solas, Fen'Harel or whoever he is, it doesn't matter. The horns sounded, I must leave now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to come, the epilogue of this story. I might post separately as I consider it optional to read.


End file.
